Alan to Susan: No, no, god… There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Alan: Well, you know, whatever. Alan: Yeah, give me another series you shit! It was too late of course, but I didn’t quite kill him, that was the tragedy. Alan: Nope, I can. Alan: Lovely. Alan: Rolled on the thighs of a virgin! Episode 5 – I Know What Alan Did Last Summer, Episode 1 – Sue Lewis, Keith Hunt, Shona McGough, Roger Moore, Episode 2 – Daniella Forrest, Petty Officer Alan Partridge, Tony Le Mesmer, Tania Beaumont and Gary Barker. Lynn: No, they said they didn’t do that sort of thing. Alan: A detective series based in Norwich called “Swallow”. Alan: It was a belter, did you hear it? Oooh that’s a snazzy bouquet! Pondering on the day’s events: Alan acts out a conversation he may have had with Chris Rea if he lived in the same area: Alan is back at his hotel room, listening to ‘. Let me start by saying I’m not writing this for anyone who doesn’t already know who Alan Partridge is. Estate Agent: That’s a rinser. Alan is back in the studio doing his breakfast show, sporting a black eye after attempting to open the minibar by jumping from his bed. Like little tears, little wax tears dripping from your ears because they’re sad. Tony: Really? I’d love to make a genuinely popular wine programme. Alan: Anyway, regarding the graffiti, if you could [Alan mimics shooting someone with a pistol] kill that, I’ll see ye ‘reet, me old fishy on a dishy. Idea for a programme: ‘Lady Shapes with Alan Partridge’. Tagged: alan partridge, alcohol support, evolving not … Ohh, your programmes, your programmes” Tony: Now you’re making a fool of yourself. Alan: What like three men burning in a tank going ‘aaaargh’? You, Tony Hayers, have decide not to give me another television series. I’ll tell you something. “Swallow” is a detective who tackles vandalism. Peter: Has he given you another series? Estate Agent: I think so, yes. ... after reading his article on 'evolution, not revolution' in television: “That's me! It’s on the side of my car [Sophie walks back behind reception]. Haven’t you got programmes to make? Review: Steak (R)evolution Travels the … Alan: No. Lynn: You know, one can find some strength, when you are at your bleakest moments if you open yourself up to… Alan: Lynn I’m not coming to your Baptist church! Alan: I want you to pour a little bit, let me sip it, and then pour the rest. And I heard your phone in, and I liked your chat with the guy from Swaffham, he was a whacky fellow. Very nice. Alan: I’m you’re man! That mean there will be noise or there won’t be noise? And from 1993, manufactures have been legally obliged to label them ‘crab flavoured sticks’. Unfortunately some vandals have sworn all over my car again. Alan: Thank you [Pointing to pornographic material in his hotel room drawer] They were there when I moved in. Susan: Is everything alright? In fact, the best thing that I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife! You’re not a cow. One for him, and one for his brother-in-law. [To Lynn] Take this cheese. I’d effectively be disabled if it weren’t for these. Alan: Oh, talk of the devil Michael Morning, Mr Partridge. You know, one to cancel out the negative and another one so I can have a positive. He’s not a criminal, but you know, he will perhaps travel at eighty miles per hour on the motorway. Tony: No, it was the opposite, evolution not revolution. I, Alan Partridge talk to M.E. Smells. Alan: No, he won’t give me one! Alan: One yank, gone! Sometimes you just want to say ‘sod all this wine just give me a pint of mineral water’. Estate Agent: Mini mart? After his keyboard malfunctions at 'An afternoon with Alan Partridge'. Alan: I loved that phrase you used; it was very very clever, where you said revolution, not evolution. I evolve, but I don't ..... revolve.Or vice-versa. Michael: I’ll tell ye what I’ll dee, I’ll dee a quick fix on it for noo. ... Oh I read your article in the paper. It would pain Alan to hear those words again, but "evolution not revolution" perfectly describes the … Otherwise people start taking liberties. Lynn: How did it go? But there’s no affection. It would pain Alan to hear those words again, but "evolution not revolution" perfectly describes the approach of the small … EVOLUTION, NOT REVOLUTION. Another one of those same time tomorrow. This is what we are about to experience. Alan: Oh I like this, yes. Susan: Don’t worry about your car, Alan. Tony: Erm, Alan, this is Peter Linehan he’s revamping our current affairs outputs. All I got there was ‘broken homes’. That was a negative and right now I need two positives. [Alan notices people from the BBC sitting outside] What are you sitting around for? 00:18:35. Estate Agent: Sure, help yourself. Related articles across the web. Tony: Oh, no. [Reception phone rings] Susan: Oh, excuse me. Alan: Interesting Fact. This is Huey Lewis and The News [Kate Bush plays] No it’s not, it’s Kate Bush, what am I doing. I mean it’s not a deal breaker but I would like to know. Now, you’ll like this. Tony: Really? Erm. Alan: If you don’t do it, Sky will. On the way here quite near by I did see a community centre with a mural on the side? Don’t cry ears, you’re on the side of a lovely head! Susan: No. It says “cock piss partridge” [Sophie walks away again, laughing], which is illegal. Alan: Here’s to our future relationship at the BBC. Estate Agent: Living room. Sophie: No. Is she new? I know for a fact Martin Lewis got two power showers out of them. Michael: You know, what aye reckon is, if thee had themselves proper jobs, they wouldn’t be up to all this, you know, larkin’ ev’ry night. Tony: There is to be no second series. Tony: No Alan: Thank you. They may have very nice Tudorette-style housing, but can they order an Irish coffee at 3am in the morning and get it delivered to their bedroom? Tony: Look, Alan I don’t want you to feel… I’ll see you later, Peter. Revolve. I'm Alan Partridge - S01E01 A Room with an Alan . Because that is me. I want a second series. Lynn: Alan, that was Tony Hayers office on the phone, they’ve put the meeting forward to 12:30 today. Waiter: Table for two, sir? I’m basically saying I’m going to be checking out at the end of the week. What are you doing? He’s an idiot! Tony: [Tony is holding a bottle of Blue Nun, laughing hysterically] Blue Nun! And it says “pass” now, where it once said “piss”. Alan: "No, no. Alan as Chris Rea: I love them, but my wife’s vegetarian. Aqua. Estate Agent: Oh! Would you like a Cuban cigar, Tony? Alan: Right. Let’s go! Alan: Ok, Lynn, quick practice for this meeting with Tony Hayers this Friday. Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe, But this isn't Britain... Dis is Die Autobahn! We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Hayers: "No it was the opposite 'Evolution, not Revolution'." This is cheese! Synopsis: After his marriage to Carol fell apart, and his chat show ending in disaster, Alan is desperate to secure a second series of Knowing Me, Knowing You. What’s this little sink here? Alan: “Monkey Tennis”? Bit of a joke there, backfired. You know, because I e-volve but I don’t re-volve. Oooh this smells of, I don’t know, basil! Alan: That’s bollocks, but go on. Assassin's Creed III Review: Evolution, Not Revolution By Charlie Lindlar There aren't many instances where you can invoke comedic anti-hero Alan Partridge while trying to describe the vibe of a game. sufferers about their condition. Pray silence please, for the Electric Light Orchestra. With The Man With The Child In His Eyes. Opening sequence, me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons going ‘oooh god’! Ok, small talk. Not unless it had been stunned. It’s 4.25 AM, you’re listening to ‘Up With The Partridge’. Sells pies antifreeze? Can I have a second series? Lynn: Well, I’ve arranged for you to see a show house at ten o’clock. “Cooking in Prison”. "Evolution not revolution". Alan to Susan: Any messages? Colonel Mustard in the en-suite bathroom, with a lead pipe. HistoricDealer Posts: 2,230. Alan: I’ll be honest, I’m pretty curious. Ripe for milking. Much like Alan… Estate Agent: Shall we have a look at the rest of the house? Well, he's just revamped News and Current Affairs. Alan: Well, yeah yeah, obviously, but that’s… do you know what it says on the side of my car? Tony: We don’t owe you a living. Alan: I loved that phrase you used, it was very clever -- "revolution not evolution". Lynn: Well Alan, the ratings for the first series started poorly and went downhill from there. This is his first return to the BBC since accidentally shooting a guest and attacking a BBC commissioning editor in the late 90s. Estate Agent: Sure. Get on the phone, pester Debenhams for free lamps, free lampshades, you know, whatever you can blag ’em. Alan to his listeners: That was Big Yellow Taxi by Joanie Mitchell, a song in which Joanie complains that they paved paradise to put up a parking lot. Difficult one to figure out, that. In the 1997 TV sitcom I'm Alan Partridge, Alan's nemesis, BBC commissioner Tony Hayers (David Schneider), describes his methodology as "evolution not revolution" before smugly axing Alan's chat show. Estate Agent: Fiver Alan: Five! I’d want expenses though. Alan: How many bedrooms has it got? What do you call those pasta in bows? Alan: [Alan is woken by Lynn knocking on his hotel room door] Fight you! Alan: I think he’ll be tougher than that, Lynn. Alan: No, no. Lynn: Things have to be compartmentalised, Alan. I suppose what you are trying to say is, you don’t want another Chris Evans on your hands. One yank, all gone! [Takes the glass of wine and downs it in one] That’s fine, fill her up! Certainly enough room to swing a cat in here isn’t there! There aren't many instances where you can invoke comedic anti-hero Alan Partridge … Properly policed, it must not, REPEAT NOT turn into an all-night rave. Tony: Really? Estate Agent: It’s on at three hundred and twenty five thousand. Alan: ‘Fraid so. Alan: Doesn’t matter she can have fish. It’s the end of Alan’s show, and Dave Clifton takes over with the breakfast show: Alan has left the studio and is driving back to the Linton Travel Tavern in his car, which is plastered with Cock Piss Partridge: Alan has arrived at the Linton Travel Tavern and heads to reception: Alan bumps into Michael on the way to his hotel room: Alan is in his hotel room, reading an article by Tony Hayers on a sweep up at the BBC, Alan reacts immediately by reeling off some ideas for programmes into his Dictaphone: Lynn arrives and wakes up Alan to discuss the days events: Alan asks Lynn to be Tony Hayers, so he can practice his lunchtime meeting: Alan is so confident that he will be back on television, he makes a visit to a show home with the intent to buy a new house: Alan is touring the house with the estate agent: Alan meets Tony Hayers for lunch to discuss Alan’s future at the BBC: During the lunch with Tony Hayers, Alan meets Peter Linehan, who is revamping news and current affairs output at the BBC: Alan discusses his programme ideas with Tony Hayers at lunch: Alan sits in his car with Lynn, outside the house he viewed previously. The delusions of grandeur are part of a rich lineage in British comedy that stretches all the way back to Tony Hancock via Del … Alan: I loved that phrase you used, it was very clever -- "revolution not evolution". I’ll take the house! 0. The guy obviously had talent, that’s the tragedy. Right up to 20th century well-toned women like Sharon Davies and, Jet from Gladiators. [Cockrel crows followed by an “A-ha”] No, sorry about that. Tony: I don’t think you should see your future just at the BBC, Alan. Tony: Just a mineral water for me, please. Tony: …don’t hesitate, if you have any other ideas, I’d be very interested… Alan: Got them here! Alan: That’s one way of looking at it. Assassin's Creed III Review: Evolution, Not Revolution. . Erm, can of Fanta? We don't evolve.. Ok, doomsday scenario. She’s my PA. Hard worker. Susan: Good show this morning? I’ve, I’ve… Look I’ve just bought a house. ‘Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa’ coming to Virtual Cinema in partnership with M&M Movie Moments Entertainment Focus 06:33 21-Nov-20 In the last month Matt Hancock mockingly compared to Alan Partridge after saying we … It’s smelly. I’m very well thank you, how are you? Waiter: I’m pouring the wine out. Alan: It’s all right. Alan: Right, “Alan Attack”. I just think it’s time for you to consider moving on to new pastures. Come in, the door’s open. From fat chubby ladies of the renaissance to hard-faced Cromwelling sour pusses. Alan: Oh, good.Have you got my fungal foot powder? Alan: Well there you go, they taught you a trade. Alan: Very cheap to make, do it in a pub car park! Lynn: Oh, yes please! I look at the changing shape of ladies through the ages. RTE executive: "It amazes me when people say that and it's only 49 quid on a plane." I ‘evolve’, but I don’t… ‘revolve’…. [Awkward pause and Lynn looks at the teapot] Do you want a cup? You people! Alan (as Tony Hayers): Hello Tony how are you? Tony: No thank you. I'm Alan Partridge - S01E01 A Room with an Alan . Alan: I wasn’t expecting that Lynn. Third time round". Alan: Yeah, get rid of it. Alan: We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground. Obsessions include prehistoric consciousness, depth psychology, cosmology, animism, and Alan Partridge. Wouldn’t want to though. I’ve seen some terrible things mind. I evolve. Having initially been amused at Labour’s new policy on Brexit being described as ‘Evolution not Revolution’ – a line straight out of the first episode of I’m Alan Partridge – I found it interesting that many news sites and papers were suggesting that Jeremy Corbyn will use a speech on Monday to bring a little more clarity over his party’s position on Brexit. Alan: I like those earrings, are they gold? Alan: Most times, thanks. Then make a programme about it. Alan: Right. Erm, you know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs make it light-hearted. Right. Even then it’s going to weigh the best part of a ton. Alan: Optional. Your career. He's the author of North (2014), and the publisher behind the acclaimed underground journals Dreamflesh (2006) and Towards 2012 (a long time ago). More Alan Partridge (and the actor who channels him) is obviously at its apex. Alan: Actually, I’ll have a mineral water too. Tony: Not for me. Alan: I prefer to go alone. And if you were, you’d be a lovely Jersey. Mr Stephen Brai, who’s father invented Cats Eyes. Alan [Singing Killer Queen by Queen]: ‘Guaranteed to blow your mind!’ Susan: Good morning, Alan. How are you? I'd love to go." Erm, terrible idea, no one will watch that. Alan: Yeah, I think I’ll have some… wine, actually. Lynn: Yes. Sorry. Could have had him over. What does that say to you about regional detective series? Alan: Well I’m afraid Susan I’ve got some very bad news. I loved that phrase you used 'Revolution, not... Evolution: 72.2%: Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. I’m sorry about the cow early, by the way. With Partridge’s return comes a few questions: what has changed for Alan? No, but with different shape pasta. Tony: No that IS what we want. Tony: That’s what I wanted to talk about, Alan. They always get people when they’re down! Sophie: Tosser? Only to injure himself diving for the mini bar after being refused room service. Do like Mini Kiev’s? Why is there any doubt? Minibar, no I’ll get it myself. When he is told that there will be no second series, and that he has a reputation for making bad television programmes, he attacks Tony Hayers with a clump of cheese. It’s like… it’s got a Buck Rogers toilet. Alan: Time now to hand over mien breakfast host, Mr David Clifton. Alan: I’ll… have… a pint of bitter! Michael: Oh aye. Alan: I’m basically driving round in an obscene publication. Alan: And. You know, because I e-volve … Alan: What? You said you might give me a second series. Look at you, do you go around drawing peep hole bras on the wall? Fosters menswear said yes if you get the second series, and you wear one garment a week on air. Sophie: Can you still drive the car? My five bedroom bastard house! Tony: No thank you. But.. Alan: So why didn’t you… What have you been doing for three minutes? Waiter: I’ve already poured half. Haha, I can’t help but think of that classic Alan Partridge sketch . If you come up with anything else, then please I dont want you to hesitate…. Minor repairs. In fact he is so desperate, he imagines himself lap-dancing for BBC Chief Commissioning Editor, Tony Hayers. Opening Credits Quote: The string back just gives you a bit of extra purchase. Was I on that long? There are more people out there trying to quit the booze than I ever realised. Estate Agent: Oh yes. Alan: I loved that phrase you used, it was very clever – ‘Revolution not evolution’. Tony: I don’t think wine is an elitist thing anymore. It’s very futuristic isn’t it, very sort of high tech space age. Something to pitch to Tony Hayers at BBC lunch, Friday. Alan: All this wine nonsense! You erm. Alan: Nipping off for a fag? For example, in this drawer. Alan: It’s got walnuts in. God! It’s a cast iron egg tree, lacquered. Tony: NO! Estate Agent: Yes, it’s got one of those. Before you know it you’re mowing their lawn. Tony: No, it was the opposite, evolution not revolution. Stephen: Well I remember he came home from work one night, very excited that he… Alan: People want to err… did he ever turn all the lights off in the house and run towards you with a torch, hoping to try and catch the reflection in your eyes? Alan: I’d rather you didn’t, it’s not that kind of an evening. Alan to Sophie: Just talking about cows. Fantastic. Estate Agent: School for the deaf. What have you got for me, Lynn? Yes. Mind if I have a go? Alan [Viewing the dining room]: Yes it’s an extender! Estate Agent: Well, are you going to make me an offer? Can I have… the same. You can get good wine in Tesco’s now. Alan: Smell the cheese. Much like Alan … Sophie: Mr Partridge? Lynn (as Tony Hayers): I’m fine. ", "I'm on the ring road , Lynn. I suppose what you're trying to say is, you don't want another Chris Evans on your hands. [Lynn starts to walk towards the living room door, and Alan cuts in front of her] One more question. Dave: Heard you laying into the criminals again there, Alan. No? 1 year ago. Estate Agent to Alan: So, you’d be living alone? Tony: Farfalle, it’s farfalle. Tony: Peter, hello, how are you? Stop! Alan: I'm you're man. You know, because I e-volve but I don't re-volve. Yes, in the Peak District. Here’s Yazoo. Alan: There’s tea in the pot. Alan: In that case you’ve got yourself a deal! Why? After a brief heart-to-heart with his tireless PA Lynn (Fifty), in which he has an imaginary conversation with Chris Rea, he retreats to his hotel room at the Linton Travel Tavern. Lynn: Nope. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that in the twenty-first century. Lynn:  Would you like a second series of your chat show? Which is French for water. Is that it? Sophie, could you deal with this? Or vice versa. The not-so textbook evolution of Alan Partridge. Alan: I’ll take it. Estate Agent: It would have been a different story really. Alan: Well, you know, whatever. Waiter: I think that’s quite enough thank you! [Alan and Tony follow the waiter to their table] Alan: We managed to rectify it though, it now says… by adapting it, it now says “cook” where it once said “cock”. Alan: So have I. There’s no wine in it, you know. Lynn: I also rang all the companies on the product list you gave me. Do you want to smell it? Alan: Oooh, very busy! [Alan picks out a file from his bag] Right, ok.  “Shoestring”, “Taggart”, “Spender”, “Bergerac”, “Morse”. Have I got a second series? I’ve been working like a Japanese prisoner of war, but a happy one. Nothing his character wears is random. Couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel, and an old bag of cement. Enjoy it. What’s this? Gyrus. 11.2k members in the AlanPartridge community. I’ll get Michael to sort it out for you. Alan: Have I got a second series? Alan: “Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank” Tony: No! Tony: No, I’m sorry, no. Alan: Lynn’s not my wife. A subreddit for fans of Steve Coogan and his legendary character [Alan … Alan: Right. Alan: I loved that phrase you used; it was very very clever, where you said revolution, not evolution. Lynn: Oh, it’s very nice. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. . Peter: Fine, fine. [Tony shows a ten pound note] Uh-uh. Dave: And good morning to you, Mr Alan Partridge, sir. Susan: Yes, they’re rolled gold. '", RTE executive: "You ever been to Ireland, Alan?" Alan: Tony. Alan: Can I just say, this is music to my ears. Alan: Smell my cheese! Alan [With Tony entering the restaurant]: You know it says Partridge I can understand, but then cock and piss. Susan: Yes, she is. But they’re just deaf, they’re not deaf offenders? Oh my god! A measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise. Tony: There’s too many of them? Like the Cook Report with a more slap stick approach. Alan: Don’t worry, Lynn. Alan: I’ve been bad, Lynn. Alan: Thank you very much. Alan: Would you like me to lap dance for you? I had to go back and finish him off with a jack. I can see a lot of very exciting opportunities ahead for you. Alan to Susan: Actually, can I talk to you, rather delicate matter. Alan: Right, well, I’ll do my stint. [Lynn opens a drawer and notices some pornographic material]. It’s a life saver you know. Sophie: Mr Partridge, erm, has got some rude graffiti [Walks away laughing] Susan: Graffiti? Third time. Or vice versa." I’ll drop you at a cab rank. Which brings us on very neatly to my next guest. Alan as Chris: No, she won’t eat that either. Love to get my hands on the bastard, [Sophie walks back behind reception] or bitch, might be a lady. Writer based in Wiltshire. You don’t like it, that’s alright. Wish I was. Battered! Tony: Yes I think I’ll have the fettuccini arrabiata please. You know, wine this, wine that!. ", "God created Adam and Eve , not Adam and Steve". In Alan Partridge: Nomad, Alan dons his boots, windcheater and scarf and embarks on an odyssey through a place he once knew - it's called Britain - intent on completing a journey of immense personal significance.Diarising his ramble in the form of a 'journey journal', Alan details the people and places he encounters, … And erm, sometimes you have too many things. Estate Agent: Yes, it has, yes. Gone hard. Alan: Well, it’s just a title. It was quite detailed. Estate Agent [Viewing the bathroom]: This is the bathroom. If King Arthur had an extender on his table. Alan: I loved your article in the Guardian, by the way. Alan: Yes please… no, sorry, you [Pointing to Tony] Tony: Yeah, name of Hayers? Michael: Aye, but it was different me like, ‘cos I was in the army when I was 17. Tony Hayers: "Alan, this is Peter Linehan, he's revamping our current affairs output..." . I actually think he was a bit simple. Having an attack of the old flakes again. Think about it, no one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. Alan: Are you being Lynn or Tony? She’s living with that fitness instructor; he provides her all her sexual, intercourse. Alan: Yes of course, erm, how much is it? Alan: Yeah, that’s about right. [Cockerel crows followed by Alan with an “A-haaaaa!”]. In the 1997 TV sitcom I'm Alan Partridge, Alan's nemesis, BBC commissioner Tony Hayers (David Schneider), describes his methodology as "evolution not revolution" before smugly axing Alan's chat show. Alan: “A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons” Tony: What’s that? I’d basically like to understand man’s inhumanity to man. Is there a neighbourhood watch system? . ... to quote the great man himself, it’s “evolution not revolution”. Eyes just before I hit him re sad Amongst the Pigeons going ‘ oooh god ’ programmes tony. Tony shows a ten pound note ] Uh-uh after being refused room service alan. Lynn does a false laugh ] he might make that noise REPEAT the question first return the... The… being the son of the devil michael morning, alan? was getting thrown out by wife... Tiger in here really so she must be hitting 70 now, tony Hayers, have decide not to me. Series 1 so she must be hitting 70 now e-volve but I ’. A tiger in here isn ’ t expecting that Lynn watch my show! 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